What then?

I feel obligated sometimes to perform for the world. It’s just me, I’m sure. Then again, I have my doubts. The more I learn, the less I understand. Or something like that. The amount of information I am supposed to be processing is growing daily and I feel like I still have concepts from kindergarten that I haven’t firmly grasped yet. Can it be only me? I can’t believe so.

It felt great getting my AA. Once I knew my degree was as good as in my hands, the feeling was indescribable to anyone without a college education. Now, with my Bachelor’s program continuing on, I feel like I’m back to square one again. Feeling like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but trying my best like I know how to do. That’s really all I know. And yet, again, I feel inadequate.

Some of it is the people around me. I am surrounded (and/or have been in the past) by who I consider intelligent, well-to-do, socially-acceptable people, and I continually feel like a failure. I never measure up, and what’s worse is that I really don’t have an acceptable outlet for my frustrations. I don’t feel like I can ever unload my feelings; they stay with me and will till I die. That’s not healthy. But that’s how I live. Cuz I don’t have a health care plan and I don’t have enough money to see a psychologist.

Which brings up a good point… what is the order of things that one is supposed to spend money on once one gets money after having not had money for a while? Right now, it’s gone rent, food, bus pass, fun, where saving for a car is supposed to be in there somewhere, as is finding a better place to pay rent. But I’m picky about where I live… it’s either nice or I’ll take what I can get… unfortunately that’s not conducive to getting what I really WANT, which is land and a place to build my own homestead. Maybe I’ll start a kickstarter project for building the house of the future. Hmmmm… good idea.

Thanks for the inspiration. I think that’s about what I needed.